True Colours

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And no, I don’t mean Cindy Lauper here, more like Bexey.

Recently I’ve cut most of the people out of my life, almost everyone to be precise. I had to accept the fact that I was wrong and most of the so-called friendships were extremely one-sided, to say the least. They say: with friends like that you don’t need enemies, and it couldn’t be more accurate. All of the people I was surrounded by when I was (I’ve been alone and isolated for almost 7 years now, but they kept on trying) left me in such a state mentally, I really hope they genuinely think I’m finally dead or something. It’s awful but unfortunately, it’s what it has come to. I know there will be people looking for the answers and coming up with their endless no sense making conspiracy theories, but I promise it’s not that deep. You’re just a bunch of lost poor fake fucks I’d hate to know, that’s all.

 There’s another part. Not everyone I’ve cut off was egoistic sociopath, I knew some great people and I’ll truly miss them but my trust is gone. Everything is different now. My circle used to be tight, now it’s the bare minimum and it’s the way I’ma keep it. People around me usually were pretty opinionated and I respectfully would take each and every word of theirs into consideration, which was a crucial mistake that has damaged me to the point of no return. Now I simply don’t even keep people around, only Angels and blessings. I never really thought I’ll be able to see a clear vision of my life ever again, but it’s there and everything around is there to get me closer to it.

I’ve also never thought that someday I’ll be ready to let someone in and build great things together. I was holding on to something all this time and I really didn’t think I’ll make it out alive let alone longing for love more than ever. I guess that’s exactly what it was, love was my biggest fear and I started to operate from the place of fear at some point… I’ve spent years alone, believing that someday everything will fall back into the alignment cause I was certain we were meant to be, while this person lived his best life, and eventually went behind my back like a little bitch, reaching out to me afterwards like nothing ever happened. Even after all of this my last dead brain cells still were rewinding the best moments in my head.

And then I got cold.

BabyBeth
missneeshabeth@gmail.com
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